Charms Homework For Real!
by Mulch Diggums
Summary: Should any of this fall into the hands of Snivellus... It will self combust, hopefully burning the slimy git!
1. Pop and Swallows

Charms Homework-For Real!

_Author's Notes/Disclaimer_

_J.K. Rowling owns it all. Pooh._

_SCHOOL IS OUT! YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS! I shall celebrate by writing a school-fic, my first non-AF one, and a Marauderer's as well. Please bear in mind that it is like, almost 11:00, and I'm extremely hyper on no-more-school-itis. (more to be reveled on this in upcoming chapters!) Also- For some strange reason, my multiply !'s are not showing up. So, if they comment on that, it's all FF's fault!_

Fifth Year- History of Magic 

Pop and Swallows

**James Potter- Oy! Padfoot!**

_Sirius Black- What? I was sleeping._

**JP- I'm bored. What subject is this again?**

Rumus Lupin- Prongs? It's History of magic, and you should be paying attention.

**JP- Moony…**

RL- Yes? 

_SB- Butt out. We were contemplating… uuh… Quantum Physics!_

RL- Padfoot. I've seen the rest of this parchment. You don't even know what Quantum Physics are.

**JP- Do you?**

RL- … no. So? I bet even Evens doesn't.

**JP- GASP! Did you just slander the possessor of my aching heart?**

_SB- Prongs, be strong._

RL- Shut up.

_SB- But Moony, I thought you loved me._

**JP- Whether he loves you or not, he's still going to die for that slander!**

RL- Fine. I'm sure Evens is a Master of Quantum Physics.

Peter Petigrew- What are 'Quantin Phisycs'?

_SB- Wormtail, you are so lost._

PP- Hey… What class is this?

RL- I'm surrounded by ignoramuses.

**JP- NO, because Lilly is behind you, and she is so smart, she makes you look like Padfoot over there!**

_SB- Says the only person to have gotten a 'Troll' on an assignment!_

**JP- Because you charmed it to say "Slughorn's Slug Club is for baboons"!**

RL- Multiple exclamation marks…. Low blow.

_SB- I'm wounded. I shall not write to a certain James Henry Potter A.K.A Prongs!_

PP- Wow!

**JP- Shut up Wormy.**

_SB- So, Wormtail, Moony, … What class is this again?_

RL- If someone ever reads these…. I AM sane.

**JP- But we charmed these to look like Charms Homework. So they'll just think that a certain Sirius Fortichello Black A.K.A Padfoot A.K.A Biggest Git In The World has awful handwriting.**

_SB- Why did I tell you all my middle name? I hate my mother._

**PP/RL/JP- WE KNOW!**

RL- This note is going nowhere. What should we talk about, except Lilly Evens, Girls in general, Muggle soda, swallows, and Hazardous Waste?

_SB- Swallows?_

**JP- They're a kind of bird.**

RL- WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SWALLOWS!

PP- Ooooh! Question marks AND exclamation points!

**JP- I think Moony's afraid of Swallows!**

_SB- GASP! Why did no one tell me?_

RL- I hate you all.

**JP- How long do you think it'll take us to tell the whole world?**

PP- A year?

_SB- No… just a week. Two if we add that story about the pop…_

RL- That was all your fault.

PP- Is it just me, or is Evens… snoring?

**JP- WHAT! MY LILLY ASLEEP IN CLASS!**

_SB- She's drooling, too._

**JP- Such musical snores! Such dainty drool!**

RL- Let us give thanks that Evens will never see this parchment.

_PP/SB- Amen._


	2. Noschoolitis

Charms Homework-For Real!

_Author's Notes/Disclaimer_

_If I owned this… I'd be some lady in England. Instead, I'm some being (Human- maybe. Something Else- Much more likely.) with a crappy computer and no publishing agent. _

_I don't know why FF is being evil and killing off my punctuation, but we shall live on! PS- This story is rated Just In Case!_

(Almost)Second Year- The Train Home 

Noschoolitis

RL- Why are we writing notes on a train?

**JP- Because we can. **

_SB- Plus, Evens hexed James and I silent._

**JP- That too.**

PP- When's the trolley going to come?

_SB- Never. So shut up whining!_

RL- Be nice.

_SB- NO! I'm too hungry to be nice!_

**JP- Why does Evens hate me?**

PP- Because you turned her best friend Polka-Dotted for a month?

RL- Because you short-sheeted her bed every night for the whole year?

_SB- Because she's smart, and knows what's good for her?_

RL- Because-

**JP- ENOUGH ALREADY!**

RL- You shouldn't have pulled that out of my hand. I'll get angry. And you won't like me angry…

_SB- I've seen you after Peter's gotten into your chocolates! And I don't like you angry, you make us study!_

RL- Why do I even bother?

**JP- With what?**

PP- Isn't the Trolley usually here by now?

_SB- We COULD go on a quest to Save The Lunch Trolley…_

**JP- But we'd have to stop writing. And Sirius and I still can't talk!**

RL- If I wasn't enjoying the peace and quiet so much, I'd take it off…..

_SB- What did I ever do to deserve this?_

PP- Sing non-stop the whole way back from Hogwarts?

**JP- What did I do?**

PP- You sang along.

_SB- For one thing, you didn't have to answer that. It was a whatchamacallit…._

RL- Rhetorical question?

_SB- No… I got it! A smorical question. For another thing, how'd you and Remus manage to get off without spells?_

PP- We-

**JP- Shut it.**

_SB- Remus?_

RL- Yes?

_SB- So… Why DO you bother?_

**JP- Good question.**

PP- Yeah, why do you bother?

RL- Well. I guess because you guys are my friends, like it or not. As they say, You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose…

_SB- That is so gross!_

**JP- PETER! That's just a saying, get your finger out of your nose!**

PP- I have no comment.

_SB- I'm so board. What is there to do in this stupid train. Nothing. Nothing but stupid notes, and stupid stupid books, plus I have to go home to the hag who gave birth to me. How am I going to survive?_

**JP- How far is your house from mine?**

_SB- About sixty miles._

**JP- That rules out walking… You'll just have to owl us!**

RL- Of course!

PP- Me too!

RL- I suddenly have an urge to bounce off a wall…

_SB- Me too… wait. I always have that urge. But it's stronger today!_

**JP- Me too! And I want to go swimming as well…**

PP- I just want to smell some sunscreen!

_SB- Oooooooooookaaaaaaaay then._

**JP- What is it?**

RL- Noschoolitis, I'll bet.

_SB- Is it deadly?_

RL- No, but it'll stop us from doing our homework until the last minute!

**JP- YAY FOR NOSCHOOLITIS!**

_SB- WE HAVE HOMEWORK?_

RL- Oh great. I'll be forcing him to study over break as well? Why me?

**JP- Cause you are our blood brother.**

RL- I can still feel where you pricked me with that giant pin.

**JP- Oh please. It was only ten centimeters long!**

_SB- I can hear the squeak of the trolley wheel! Remus, PLEASE order me some food!_

**JP- Me too, we'll love you as brothers forever!**

PP- I'll order for you.

**JP- OK, but no Cockroach Clusters.**

_**RL/JP/SB/PP- FOOOOOOOOD ISSSSSS HEERRREEE!**_


	3. Here on Gilligan's Isle!

Charms Homework-For Real!

_Author's Notes/Disclaimer_

_I DO OWN THE CHARACTERS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA! However, the song belongs to the Gilligan's Island show._

_This chappie is based on a note that my friend and I had back and forth. Well, part of it is, anyway._

Third Year, Divination

Here on Gilligan's Isle

**JP- Why is there a bug in the teacher's chair?**

_SB- AAGH! Trelawney was murdered and eaten by a BUG!_

RL- That is the teacher. Grow up.

_**JP/SB- MAKE US!**_

RL- I really don't know why I put up with you.

_SB- Cause you love us so much._

**JP- And we hang out with you, even with your furry little problem.**

RL- You have a point.

_SB- Did I just win an argument with MOONY? Prongs, congratulate me!_

RL- Padfoot, you will never win. Prongs was the one with the point. You have a blunt stick.

**JP- _Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
A tale of a fateful trip  
That started from this tropic port  
Aboard this tiny ship.  
The mate was a mighty sailing man,  
The skipper brave and sure.  
Five passengers set sail that day  
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.  
The weather started getting rough,  
The tiny ship was tossed,  
If not for the courage of the fearless crew  
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost._**  
**_The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle  
With Gilligan  
The Skipper too,  
The millionaire and his wife,  
The movie star  
The professor and Mary Ann,  
Here on Gilligan's Isle.  
So this is the tale of the castaways,  
They're here for a long, long time,  
They'll have to make the best of things,  
It's an uphill climb.  
The first mate and the Skipper too,  
Will do their very best,  
To make the others comfortable,  
In the tropic island nest.  
No phone, no lights no motor cars,  
Not a single luxury,  
Like Robinson Crusoe,  
As primitive as can be.  
So join us here each week my friends,  
You're sure to get a smile,  
From seven stranded castaways,  
Here on "Gilligan's Isle."_**

PP- What is that?

**JP- Have you never seen an episode of Gilligan's Island?**

RL- Prongs, you're the only one here who watches Muggle American Telivision.

_SB- What's a 'phone'?_

**JP- I'm not really sure…**

RL- Muggles use them to talk to each other over long distances.

_SB- They can't just fire call?_

RL- Muggles.

**JP- It's a great show. **

PP- What's it about?

**JP- Well, these people are stuck on the island, and they try to get off, but Gilligan trips the Skipper a lot, and Ginger tries to kiss him, but he gets knocked out, and Thurston Howell the Third is an idiot.**

_SB- I'm lost._

RL- Me too.

PP- Me three.

**JP- I don't get that show either, I just laugh when the people on the show do.**

RL- You are a strange person.

_SB- So am I!_

RL- Yes, Padfoot, you are.

_SB- Thank you!_

**JP- Wait, the bug's looking at us. PAPER AWAY!**


	4. Credit where Credit is Due

Charms Homework- For Real!

_Author's Note/Disclaimer:_

_My lawyers have informed me that if I keep claiming to own the characters, I may be lynched, drawn and quartered, made to walk the plank, tickled, and, eventually sued. Seeing as I prefer suing people to being sued by them, I will give credit where credit is due. _

_J. K. Rowling… _is_ the true maker-upper of the characters. I'm simply manipulating them to my awesome, random plots._

_PS- minor language, theatric elements, and lack of comic mischief. _

Credit where Credit is Due

Third Year, Three AM

**SB- James! James, wake up!**

_JP- Sirius? What the hell is wrong with you? It's night! And why are we writing notes?_

**SB- I don't want to wake up Remus or Pete. Have you noticed anything unusual about Remus?**

_JP- He likes homework?_

**SB- Yes, but besides that. The fact that once a month, his mother gets sick? And he has to visit her?**

_JP- So? And actually, last week he said that he has the flu._

**SB- Do you remember a couple days ago, when in Astronomy we learned the cycles of the moon?**

_JP- Yeah, s- Wait. Are you suggesting…?_

**SB- I've worked it out. Every time, it's full moon his mum gets ill.**

_JP-His mum's a werewolf?_

**SB- Honestly, usually I'm the stupid one. Am I this frustrating?**

_JP- Sirius, it's late. AndI'm tired. And yes._

**SB- Wow. Anyway, no, his mum's just his excuse. I think that Remus is a werewolf!**

_JP- But he seems so normal!_

**SB- I think that he is. He's just got a… monthly problem.**

_JP- A furry problem. His furry little problem. I've got to remember that._

**SB- FOCUS! We've got to tell him that we know.**

_JP- What about Pete?_

**SB- Remus can decide about that. We should leave that up to him, at least.**

_JP- OK. Wake him up, ok?_

RL- Wha-? Why are we writing? At three AM? As in, before morning?

**SB- Remus, we don't want to wake up Peter. But you should probably tell him.**

RL- Tell him what?

_JP- About your Furry Little Problem._

RL- My…? Oh God. You know? Both of you?

**SB- It's not like we'll tell, not anyone. But we think that Peter deserves to know.**

RL- I guess I'll ask Dumbledore for a room change in the morning.

_JP- WHY? In case you haven't noticed Moony, we still like you. We haven't run screaming in fear of your evil bite. Plus, Dumbledore would never let you come if you were dangerous all the time._

RL- Moony?

_JP- Your new nickname._

**SB- So, are you gonna tell Pete about you-know-what?**

_JP- I hate hyphens. Let's call it his Little Furry Problem._

RL- I'll tell Peter right now, and I don't care what you call it, as long as no one else finds out.

**SB- OK! Now, there's been something that I've been meaning to do for a while anyway, but you just gave me an excuse, Moon.**

_JP- MOON_Y_! With a y!_

**SB- Chill! So, I was looking up stuff on werewolves, and they can't hurt animals. In fact, some Healers who are also Animagus will transform to safely observe a werewolf's transformation. Sadly for us, you have to take a three week class and be at least twenty-one before you can transform.**

_JP- What are you saying?_

RL- And, more importantly, is it legal?

_JP- I dislike to think that your question takes precedence over mine, Moony._

RL- I get the feeling that I'll never be called Remus by any of you again.

**SB- Yup. Anyway, yes it's slightly illegal. But not too bad. I propose that we learn to become Animagus and keep Moony company on full moons!**

RL- Are you even more out of your skull then usual? I could hurt you! You could do the transformations wrong! I could kill one of you! And then, I'd have to live with it. Even if it was an accident, or just a goof up with one step in the Transformation, it'd be my fault. I really appreciate the thought, Sirius, but I don't want any of my friends dead. Ever.

_JP- Well, we have to have a full Marauder vote. Moony, do we wake up Peter?_

RL- Alright. But I still think that it's stupid, dangerous, and irrational.

PP- Huh? Why are we writing? What TIME is it?

RL- Um… I think that it's about four thirty. AM.

PP- WHAT! I'm going back to sleep. This is dumb.

_JP- Actually, this is really important._

RL- I should have told you this earlier. Peter, I'm a werewolf. And the genius who figured it out wants to become an illegal Animagus to play with me on full moons.

PP- Oh, pull the other leg.

**SB- He's dead serious, and this is so serious that I won't make any jokes about my name.**

_JP- Can I?_

RL- NO!

PP- I've just read the rest of the note. And I only have one question. When do we start?

**SB- As soon as possible.**

RL- On one condition. I help you the whole way through, and if anything bad happens, we stop, go to Dumbledore, and beg for mercy and help.

_JP- It's a deal. And don't worry so much. Have you no faith in our skills?_

RL- I will recall the time that you tried to woe Evens' heart by painting yourself pink and following her, calling her 'Lovey-Dovey' for twenty-four hours on Valentine's Day. In other words, no, I don't think you even have any skills.

_JP- That hurt. I at least got her to notice me!_

**SB- I liked it when she cursed your hair to fall out in patches, then grow back, then fall out, then-**

_JP- We get it._

RL- HOLY CRAP! Look at the time! We have classes! GO TO SLEEP!


	5. Day of a Thousand References

Charms Homework- For Real!

_Author's Notes/Disclaimer_

_Salutations, all! So sorry that's it's been so long. I've been lazy, and I'm working on a couple of full length stories. One of which is on hiatus, and the other is still on the first chapter. Oh well. If you recognize it, J.K. Rowling probably owns it. Or Monty Python. Or Disney. Or Eoin Colfer. Ten Points and a cookie to whoever points out all the references!_

_Also, I have a quandary. Is it Moony or Mooney? I am much too lazy to look it up, plus I'm not sure where my copy of the third HP is…._

Seventh Year- Potions

Day of a Thousand References. 

Remus Lupin: Sheesh, how many questions can Snivilus answer without Slughorn even looking at us?

_Sirius Black: Fifty?_

**James Potter: Nah, I'd wager a hundred.**

RL: I believe that the proper term would be _one hundred_. Not _a hundred_.

**JP: Point?**

_SB: No, I agree with Mooney._

Peter Pettigrew: What, when have you become a grammatical expert?

_SB: Same year as I meet that veela girl… What was her name…? I was practically in love with her!_

**JP: Hey, I remember that! Hmm… It started with an A, but you called her by her nickname.**

RL: That was highly entertaining. And I quote, "Did you know that if I wanted, I could be Minister of Magic? No, it's true! I just hafta put up about fifty posters. Right?" Unquote.

_SB: Well I could._

**JP: Yeah, and I could be the first wizard to get a water buffalo to sing the Spam Song.**

PP: I don't remember that. When was that?

RL: Remember second year when you had dragon pox and were stuck in the hospital wing for two weeks?

PP: Vividly.

RL: Happened then.

**JP: HAH! Now whose grammically incorrect?**

RL: You. Grammically is not a word, and you should say who's.

**JP: Oh.**

_SB: Don't worry, you'll get him sometime. Surely. Maybe. Probably. Never._

**JP: Thanks ever so for the vote of confidence, Pads.**

_SB: I'm full of 'em._

RL: To risk sounding like I always do, are we supposed to be working on a potion?

PP: Are we?

RL: Rhetorical question, Wormtail.

PP: I knew that!

**JP: Nah, we should be good for another ten questions from The Sniv.**

_SB: The Sniv! I like that!_

**JP: Yes, it _is_ rather catchy.**

RL: Extremely.

PP: Indeed.

_SB: I feel I should say something sarcastic. Should I?_

RL: Feel free to.

**JP: If you want a punch in the nose.**

_SB: Now now children._

**JP: I am so sticking my tongue out at** **you.**

_SB: So I see._

RL: Mature, both of you.

PP: What exactly is Spam?

**JP: I'm not sure. You apparently can't have eggs or bacon without it. And I think that there are some other things.**

RL: More muggle humor?

**JP: I'm not even sure if it _is_ humor.**

_SB: Is it funny?_

**JP: I suppose.**

_SB: Then it's humor. You know what else is humor?_

**JP: Pranks?**

RL: You paying attention?

PP: Rats, you guys took mine!

_SB: Well… yeah. I have got the most brilliant idea for a prank ever._

RL: More brilliant then the Great Toe Episode of fifth year?

**JP: Or the Calamitous Corn Calamity?**

PP: Or the Toilet Paper Thing?

**JP: Or the Arctic Incident?**

PP: Or th-

_SB: Point taken, thank you very much! This is greater than them all, greater even than…_

**JP: No. Not greater then THAT!**

_SB: It is indeed. Greater than the great Heffalump Woozle Debate of '88. Speaking of, where did we get the '88 part?_

RL: It rhymed.

_SB: Thought so._

**JP: Right, that was ten questions. We'll have to hear about this prank later, Padfoot.**

* * *

Seventh Year- Detention

**JP: We are in it deep this time.**

_SB: How was I supposed to know about that?_

RL: It's called planning!

_SB: I planned for ten whole minutes!_

RL: Splendid. I can only blame myself. I allowed you to continue with this mad scheme.

PP: Any word on how long we have to do this?

RL: A week. And we really shouldn't be using this, we'll get caught.

**JP: Right. Don't worry mates. We've survived worse.**


End file.
